Talk:Sun Yat-sen - Revision history

Santa Clause at 05:04, 8 December 2011

2011-12-08T05:04:52Z

Dekeo at 20:14, 21 October 2011

2011-10-21T20:14:10Z

Dei: Created page with 'You should really change it to a first-person narrative. It should only take a couple minutes to change all of the "he"s to "I"s and I think you'll get a better grade. ~~~~'

2011-10-17T02:56:21Z

Created page with 'You should really change it to a first-person narrative. It should only take a couple minutes to change all of the "he"s to "I"s and I think you'll get a better grade. ~~~~'

New page

You should really change it to a first-person narrative. It should only take a couple minutes to change all of the "he"s to "I"s and I think you'll get a better grade. [[User:Dei|Dei]] 02:56, 17 October 2011 (UTC)

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	- I like the pictures- but where did they come from? You need to be sure to put citations on the pictures.[[User:Dekeo\|Dekeo]] 20:14, 21 October 2011 (UTC)		- I like the pictures- but where did they come from? You need to be sure to put citations on the pictures.[[User:Dekeo\|Dekeo]] 20:14, 21 October 2011 (UTC)
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		+	I like the big picture, he has kind eyes. I think it is good for people to move across cultures at a young age. This historical figure is my favorite so far. I would just say, proof read it. For the most part its pretty good though. Put in-text citations and citations period. [[User:Santa Clause\|Santa Clause]] 05:04, 8 December 2011 (UTC)

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	You should really change it to a first-person narrative. It should only take a couple minutes to change all of the "he"s to "I"s and I think you'll get a better grade. [[User:Dei\|Dei]] 02:56, 17 October 2011 (UTC)		You should really change it to a first-person narrative. It should only take a couple minutes to change all of the "he"s to "I"s and I think you'll get a better grade. [[User:Dei\|Dei]] 02:56, 17 October 2011 (UTC)
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		+	It looks like you tried to take the advice given above, but didn't quite get it all worked out. Your info is good, but the mechanics, the writing, could use a little work. For example:
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		+	- You use a lot of passive sentences- ''"I would become..."'' Active sentences like "'''I became.."''' are much stronger. They will also help you keep a consistent "voice". Sometimes you sound like you are talking about yourself and sometimes it sounds like you are someone else making a report about Sun Yat-sen.
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		+	- Paragraphs- they should only be about one idea. You have several paragraphs that should be divided into two or three paragraphs.
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		+	- Punctuation- you could re-read the article and check the punctuation. You leave out some commas and miss an occasional capitalization at the start of a sentence. (Just some of the little things that will help to clean up your article and make it more readable :))
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		+	- I like the pictures- but where did they come from? You need to be sure to put citations on the pictures.[[User:Dekeo\|Dekeo]] 20:14, 21 October 2011 (UTC)