Cixi

I have never thought of myself as a woman. When I was first presented to the emperor as a concubine, I knew I was being given an opportunity to rewrite my fate; the chance to ascend to my proper place as the only power under heaven. I had everyone address me as if I was a man, and even required my adopted son Guanxu to call me "father" for that was what I was to him (Liu 151). I could not care for and tenderly nurture Guanxu as a mother should,I had to guide him with the hard hand of a father so he would understand that his place was beneath me.Would I had been born a man. You can have no idea how many times I have had this thought. I thought it the first night I was presented to the emperor Xianfeng, the day I was forced to rid China of my worthless son, and one day before my death when I ordered my adoptive son poisoned so that he wouldn't further corrupt and erode my beautiful empire in my absence. If I had not been born a wretched woman, I would not have had to bloody my hands so. If I had been born to my rightful role as emperor, I would not have had to watch as one impeccable fool after another wrought disaster upon China. If I had only been born a man, China would have joined together to successfully vanquished the Western threats and the emperors of China would now be ruling on high over the whole world as is our right, as would have been our destiny.

I was born on Nov. 29, 1835 to a distinguished Manchu lineage, the Nehonala clan, though my father was only a minor official (Perkins 93). Even as I child, I had been discontent with my position in life, so when I was named a consort of the emperor Xianfeng in 1851 at the age of 16 (Perkins 93), I gladly accepted it as an escape from the drudgery of my current life. I ascended through the ranks of Kianfeng’s consorts until I became a favorite in 1856 for having born him his only living son, Tongzhi (Perkins 93). I did not find palace fife as exciting as I had expected. I enjoyed the luxuries that the palace had to offer (I have to research about luxuries), but the life was decidedly dull. I was kept even more out of sight than I had been at my family's household. I worked hard to be pleasing to the emperor and my efforts payed off almost immediately for the emperor had a simple mind and was exceedingly easy to read. Seeing that I showed great interest in in his affairs, the emperor readily allowed me to read official documents and discussed his most important policy matters with me. It was thus that I became highly literate and knowledgeable about the ways of government, and thus that I became even more unsatisfied with my meager role. I began to take a more active role in state affairs and realized how much more suitable I was to rule than so many of the inept officials that the emperor kept by his side. When I felt the baby in my womb, I began to hatch a scheme around that small life. I prayed to my ancestors every day that it might be a son so that it will be heir to the throne. I prayed that this infant would be the means through which I could unify China once more. When the baby was finally born and pronounced a boy, I cried for joy: I was to be free from my frustration at last. Or so I thought; life is never that simple and many hurdles would arise before I could assume the throne. My son was called Tongzhi and named the legal successor to the throne, and I was promoted to the rank of Noble Consort Yi , second only to the empress, though I was prized by the emperor more than the empress Cian because I had done what she could not.

Sources Cited

Liu, Lydia. The Clash of Empires: The Invention of China in Modern World Making. Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 2004.

Paludan, Ann. Chronicle of the Chinese Emerors. New York: Thames &Hudson Inc., 1998.

Perkins, Dorothy. Encyclopedia of China: The Essential Reference to China, Its History and Culture. New York: Round Table Press Inc., 1999.