Talk:Sun Yat-sen

You should really change it to a first-person narrative. It should only take a couple minutes to change all of the "he"s to "I"s and I think you'll get a better grade. Dei 02:56, 17 October 2011 (UTC)

It looks like you tried to take the advice given above, but didn't quite get it all worked out. Your info is good, but the mechanics, the writing, could use a little work. For example:

- You use a lot of passive sentences- "I would become..." Active sentences like "I became.." are much stronger. They will also help you keep a consistent "voice". Sometimes you sound like you are talking about yourself and sometimes it sounds like you are someone else making a report about Sun Yat-sen.

- Paragraphs- they should only be about one idea. You have several paragraphs that should be divided into two or three paragraphs.

- Punctuation- you could re-read the article and check the punctuation. You leave out some commas and miss an occasional capitalization at the start of a sentence. (Just some of the little things that will help to clean up your article and make it more readable :))

- I like the pictures- but where did they come from? You need to be sure to put citations on the pictures.Dekeo 20:14, 21 October 2011 (UTC)

I like the big picture, he has kind eyes. I think it is good for people to move across cultures at a young age. This historical figure is my favorite so far. I would just say, proof read it. For the most part its pretty good though. Put in-text citations and citations period. Santa Clause 05:04, 8 December 2011 (UTC)